Grill-a-Palooza 2011–It Begins…

The weather’s warm. The days are long. The unmistakable smell of backyard grilling greets you everywhere you go. Men clad in ridiculous aprons gather around the Weber and trade stories over bottles of ice-cold beer from the cooler.

Summer is finally here.

With Memorial Day weekend now upon us, guys everywhere are doing what they rarely do the other three seasons of the year–cook. Learning how to man the grill and host killer barbecues is a masculine rite of passage, and over the course of this summer I will be here giving you all the knowledge you’ll need to man the grill with skill.

Man’s Fear of Cooking

As I have mentioned many times before, your biggest obstacle to getting leaner, stronger, and healthier is not your lack of willpower when it comes to eating less and exercising more, but rather the poor quality of the food you are eating, and the importance of learning basic food preparation skills to overcome this problem.

With the rare exceptions of some celebrity chefs and cookbook authors, we men seem to be “pre-programmed” to want to avoid doing any work in the kitchen whatsoever. Hell, most bachelors only turn on their ovens when they are heating up a frozen pizza. (Does my spidey sense detect some of you silently nodding?)

Fortunately (or not), these days we guys can function just fine with little more kitchen knowledge than how to work a microwave. Meals in bags, cans, and boxes await us in the pantry and refrigerator, tempting us with their appetizing pictures, bold health claims, and ease of preparations.

And if that’s still asking too much, restaurants, cafes, delis, and fast-food joints can always be counted on to quickly and effortlessly feed us with whatever we want.

But within these “easy foods” lies a dark secret–these “food products” have been specially engineered in laboratories to get us hooked like crack addicts to their flavors and textures, just like Frankenstein’s monster. But in an effort to appeal to our short-term gratification drives while still remaining cheap they are pumped with substances that are all kinds of bad, leading you to automatically gain weight no matter how many calories you are counting and flush your overall health down the toilet as well.

And all because our lazy asses are too busy watching Eastbound and Down for the 37th time to learn how to make a perfect pot roast with mashed potatoes.

Embracing Your Inner Caveman

But all is not lost.

‘Tis the season for men everywhere to perfect their skill at making burgers, brats, and steaks on the grill. Something about manning the barbecue turns a guy instantly into the Alpha Male of the group, and that’s why most of us try their hardest to be the dude in the apron hosting the party.

I think this is the result of grilling’s more “primal” twist on food prep compared to the relatively sanitized and frou-frou experience that modern cooking has evolved into. (Turn on the Food Network right now and you’ll probably see what I’m talking about.)

Being outside, taming the rip-roaring heat, and grilling slabs of meat and chunks of veggies to perfection more closely emulates the way our hunter-gatherer forebears would have prepared their meals–with whatever they were able to scrounge up that day.

The reason you enjoy flipping burgers in the backyard so much is because you are tapping into your inner caveman. Like your ancestors tens of thousands of years ago, you are the hunter and the provider for your family and social circle. In short: you are the man. This is as true now as it was back then.

How to Become Master and Commander of the Cookout

So there are three reasons why you must learn how to master the grill:

1. Learning how to cook (at least the basics) is critical to being healthy and effortlessly lean (unless trying to keep track of every calorie that enters and leaves your body, starving yourself, and having little energy sounds like fun).
2. As men, grilling is our birthright. The days of women cooking dinner every night are long gone, yet we guys are still expected to step up to the plate when it comes to grilling during a cookout.
3. When you can make juicy burgers, perfect steaks, and amazing ribs, you become top dog. Everyone loves a guy who can make insanely good ribs. It’s probably the closest we’ll ever be to celebrities!

As much as I like to pretend I’m an expert on all things, I am certainly still a student when it comes to grilling. I’m not going to put up a false front and say “listen to me because I know everything about cooking over a blazing outdoor fire.” Instead, I’m going to stand on the shoulders of giants, try things out for myself, and report back to y’all with the results.

The next few months, I will be grilling my ass off and–I hope–inspiring you to do the same. Summer doesn’t last forever, so make sure you make the most of it! Here’s some of the good stuff I have planned so far:

• The minimum amount of equipment that you will need to dominate at your next cookout, plus a listing of all the stuff I have and can recommend. (And you don’t need to be rich. Score!)
• The five types of classic barbecue sauce, how to quickly make them… and how come you have only ever tried one of them!
• How to “hack” your grill and turn it into a smoker.
• How to make tastier burgers than you’ll find in any restaurant.
• How to turn cheap cuts of meat into pure delicious awesomeness.
• And much, much more…

If you’re not yet subscribed, make sure you do it now. Grill-a-palooza 2011 has officially begun!

Photo: Wallula Junction